Upswing
It seems that life has decided to finally throw a few pitches I can swing at.
While owning a restaurant is a dream that I have, and one that I don’t think will ever fully die, I have decided to put it on the shelf for now. I can’t get past the fact that I would require quite the start up funds for this to happen. I can’t even secure a decent job at this point, so what are the odds that a bank would give me a fairly large loan for something that statistically will fail within a few years, if not sooner?
Instead I’ve spent the last few months looking into graduate school, and getting my Master’s degree. It has been rather passively done, due to my dealing with my various personal issues, but therapy has convinced me that I need to make some progress somewhere in my life, and this is the most likely avenue for me to take. So, over the last two weeks, I took a more active approach. I was able to contact my old department head, Dr. Myers, and get a meeting to discuss the possibility of coming back to NDSU. He always told me that if I ever wanted to come back to let him know.
What was going to be maybe a 30 minute meeting at the most lasted over an hour. I love talking to Dr. Myers. He has this energy and enthusiasm for the food science department, and he can pass that on to his students so easily. The man can motivate. He started telling me about where he was taking the department, the new research they were doing, the new faculty and what they are contributing, what he is looking for in graduate students. Told me he wants me to teach a class or two. He wants to take me to conferences in China. He wants me to hold office in the Food Science Club. He wants me to troubleshoot problems that major companies bring in.
What got to me the most, and led me to hold back some tears, is how much he remembered me, how highly he seemed to think of me, and how much he seemed to really want me to come back. He remembered my work ethic. He remembered my Product Development project. He was impressed with the product we presented, that he knew I thought of, and he was impressed by how I led the group and conducted the presentation. He seemed very sad that no one wants to hire me because he knows what I’m capable of. It just felt so. . .I don’t know, it just felt nice to have that kind of respect from someone that I have so much for.
He wanted to help me in any way he could. He’d write a letter of recommendation for me (which somehow isn’t a conflict of interest since I’m applying to his department). He would get the GRE waived. He would see what he could do to get me into a program that would make it so that I wouldn’t have to pay the tuition until I was done. He’d try to see about a small research stipend. He’d even let me apply for fall semester even though the deadline to apply passed in March.
The best analogy I can give is that he re-lit my pilot light. He got me feeling excited about something, which hasn’t happened in a long time.
Dr. Myers told me to come back the next week and knock on some doors, see what sort of research everyone is doing, and see who has openings to study under and do research for. Which was this week. So I did just that.
I met with some of the new professors, introduced myself and learned about what they thought was important enough to spend grant money on. It all piqued my curiosity, and only made me want to get back there even more. They all wanted to know more about me and my life experiences, to see if I’d be a good fit working under them. While I’m sure I’d get along very well with any of them, and will have many interesting conversations with them all down the line, I knew where I wanted to end up.
Dr. Hall is the man to talk to when it comes to processing and product development. This is where I wanted to be, and he’s the main man I wanted to talk to. I feel I have a pretty good rapport with Dr. Hall, at least as much as an undergrad can have with him. While he isn’t cold or impersonal by any means, he’s always struck me as one who keeps a decent distance from the undergrads. He’s much more open with his graduate students I think.
We talked about his research, which I found very interesting. He is trying to extract bean protein in order to re-texturize it into a suitable meat substitute. He needs someone to help with that, as the extraction process is a little intensive. Further, he informed me that should I apply (for which he would also write a letter of recommendation) and accept that position, the grant he is using would cover my tuition for at least the first year. If he can get another year of grant money, it would cover the second year as well.
That just. . .that’s just incredible.
I even had a job interview. I got a new suit for that, and nothing helps confidence like a new suit. The interview went well, but I had to turn it down after learning more details. If I’m going back to school, and spending more time as a research assistant, I cannot be working midnight to 8 AM, with the possibility of a lot of overtime. Really I need to find something that is in the evenings and that is potentially a little over part time. I’m hopeful I can talk to my manager and find something with Sanford that fits this description.
It feels good to be moving toward something instead of simply drifting. There is still a lot to do between now and this fall, but it just seems to be coming together.
Up the Intensity
Here is where people can learn what exactly was going on with me for a three week period where I was getting up early and not able to drink. I’ve made various excuses, that I was taking classes for work and the like. Mainly I just didn’t want people knowing about this at the time. But now I feel it is important to get it out there. This took a while to write because of the length, the re-reading needed to keep certain things out, and the fact that baseball started. When we last left our hero, his problems were more severe than first believed, and so was sent to more intensive treatment.
The Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) is a place located at the South University campus of Sanford. My first day was fairly stressful, as I didn’t know what to expect. I had to fill out plenty of forms, a lot of which were simply signatures indicating that I’d read all the policies and whatnot, and another that was a contract which prohibited me from using alcohol or any other recreational drug while I attended the program. There were other papers, such as a multiple choice questionnaire where I had to answer questions about my appetite, my attitude, my thoughts, my suicidal tendencies, my sleep patterns, etc. I was also given a binder with all sorts of resources in it, mainly explaining strategies and tools that one can use to help deal with various issues.
While this process was going on, I met with all the staff one by one. They were all very kind and wanted to get to know me and what I was struggling with. I was asked if I had my short term disability forms ready. I informed them that I didn’t, and that I planned to work while I was here. They wondered how wise a choice this was, working 40 hours a week while in treatment for 33 more. I said that I could do it, that I’d done it while in college. They didn’t put up a fight, so I didn’t have to take the pay cut that comes with short term disability.
With everything squared away on that front, I joined the group. They all introduced themselves, and were very kind and inviting. I wasn’t expecting that. I probably should have, but I suppose I was expecting that I would be judged on how severe my problems were compared to theirs. Rather, they were all very encouraging and were quick to show me the ropes. I was even asked to sit at the lunch table we had in the cafeteria by one of the nicest young women I’ve ever met. I obviously can’t give out names, but I am grateful to her for being so kind to me those first few days. She left only a few days later, but she was such a huge part of my feeling comfortable there.
There was a structure more or less to each day. First was a lecture. It was usually very informative and encouraging, ranging from how self esteem works, to the importance of sleep and exercise, how to change thought processes, things of that nature. There was a regular doctor who would give these lectures, but he was on vacation most of the time I was there. When he did return, I found him very knowledgeable. He had some very inspirational things to say.
After the lecture, we had to fill out a daily assessment form, which consisted of rating your mood and anxiety levels, asking if you were following the guidelines of no other drugs and taking your meds, and finally, what your goal was for the day. You also had to list a step that you would take to achieve that goal. Then there was a small break, which I used to take my meds for the day since they need to be taken with food.
Next came process group. This is what you would usually think of when you talk about group therapy, with people sitting in a circle and talking about their problems. Everyone would get a turn to talk about something, and then the rest would give feedback. The goal here is to let other people hear your problems, and get an outside perspective. The way you think about it is usually different from how others do, and getting that new spin on it can help you change your thought processes. It also helps to hear encouragement from others when you need it, whether its support when you are down or reinforcement when you feel good. It took me a while to get comfortable in this setting. I’m not the most open person, and so it was hard to talk about my problems, but I got there eventually.
Next came a group led by the staff nurse. Here we would get into a lot of activities relating to “mindfulness.” The goal here is to imagine certain scenarios and think about the feelings that would arise in that situation. Then we try to think of ways to deal with it that are more productive. It is important to be aware of how you feel in negative situations, and that its OK to feel how you do, but it is what you do with those emotions that is important.
Then came lunch. Most of us would sit at a table in the cafeteria together. This was actually very important in treatment as it allowed us to get to know others with our problems, but do so in a more relaxed place. There was no heavy discussion of problems, but rather just getting to know each other, discussing work, current events, just a lunch with people you know. It helped lighten the mood after all the deep talk of the morning.
After lunch was a group with the occupational therapist. She would stress the importance of sleep, exercise, relaxation, stress reduction, and how all of them are related. We would learn stretching and breathing techniques, low stress exercises, the importance of leisure time. On Thursdays we would do something to get us up and active, like that lawn golf game with the three levels of sticks and the balls on a string, or chair volleyball.
The last group of the day was a little random. Sometimes we’d get a pharmacist to come in and explain how our meds work and effect us. Other times we would play a board game, or do an arts and crafts thing. It varied from day to day.
One day a week you had a team meeting before PHP started for the day. This was where you met with all the professionals as a group and discussed your progress, what you think you should work on, review your medications, and try to get a handle on how much longer you should stay in the program.
There was also one day a week where you would be pulled from group and see the psychologist for a one on one session. She would push you, she would try you, but you also knew it was for your own good. It was all in the name of helping you.
It was during my stay in PHP that I received my diagnosis. They believed I suffered from social phobia, major depressive disorder, and dysthymia. They also immediately switched me from Effexor to Wellbutrin (bupropion), since I was getting no benefit from it.
I met some people who had some very real problems. There was a lot of depression, but everyone was able to more or less point to why it was there. Family issues, job issues, lost loved ones, substance abuse, chronic disease, childhood trauma, it was all there and more. These were people who could not function. Going to work was out of the question. Some couldn’t even care for themselves. Some had children that were doing way too much because of this, like taking care of younger siblings, keeping the house filled with groceries, washing clothes, things of that nature. But looking at the problems they had, it was hard to believe I belonged here. How was I here, filling up a valuable spot, when there were people like this who REALLY needed the help. I could at least function. However, when I brought this up in my first one on one session, I was reassured. ”Maybe your problems aren’t as severe as some people here. But, that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve treatment for them.”
It brought tears to my eyes to hear that.
I came to some interesting revelations during some of my discussions. One is that I realized that I took no pride or joy in my accomplishments. Graduating high school, graduating college, losing all that weight, even small things like doing a good job at work. Nothing moved me past a neutral mood in that regard. A feeling of accomplishment is such a large part of self esteem, so the absence of this helped to explain my lack of self esteem.
Overall, my time in PHP was well spent. I needed it. I didn’t realize it the first two weeks. In that time, I would learn skills, strategies, and tools, but I could never seem to put them into practice. I tried so hard, but my mind wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t figure out why.
But then week three started. The Wellbutrin kicked in. I woke up that Monday feeling. . . different. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I did. That night I went to work and once again addressed a problem that had been haunting me there since I started: cleaning the artificial ice. It kept getting progressively worse, and I finally figured out the best way to clean it. It looked perfect. I did it. And I felt that I did it. I was able to look at the work that I had done, the work that I was trying to solve for a long time, and feel a sense of pride about it. An amazing feeling.
With that, another thought came into my head. I remembered a story I had heard a while back about a heroin addict who went through treatment. He described his thought process before treatment as that every thought, or every other thought, going through his head was, “Gotta get heroin. How will I get more heroin? Where can I get my fix?” That was the constant refrain in his head. But after treatment, while that thought was still there, it slowly became every fourth thought, every sixth thought, every tenth thought. It became manageable.
I realized that I was going through something similar. Almost all my thoughts were always negative. I couldn’t help it. Even in those first two weeks, while I was learning and trying to implement tools and strategies, every thought was negative. So, I could have a negative thought, stop myself, realize that this is where I can use a tool, but then immediately have more negative thoughts. Then the Wellbutrin started working, and it slowed my thoughts way down, but in a way that is hard to describe. And THAT was what was different that Monday morning. My mind wasn’t racing. Negative thoughts were now going only every fourth thought, sixth thought, tenth though. It was manageable. I could stop myself when I was having a negative thought and actually have the time to apply the tools I’ve learned.
I stayed in the rest of that last week for monitoring and was discharged that Friday. That last day was incredibly emotional for me. As the nurse and psychologist checked me out, I just broke down. They wanted to know what was wrong, if I was really ready to leave the program. I told them no, this isn’t sadness. I’m just so happy and grateful for what the program had done for me. That I didn’t think it could be this way. That I thought I’d never feel like this. That I know I still have a long way to go, but they put me on the right path. That I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart. That I want them to continue helping people they way they have me, to keep changing lives. They were touched, and said they couldn’t think of a better endorsement for the program, that they wished me the best out in the real world. There were hugs given, and I was sent out to live my life.
12 Team AL Only 4X4 Rotisserie
This is the money league. This is the difficult league.
There are some interesting rules with this league. It is incredibly old school. Runs and strikeouts do not count for anything. This is an auction format, which I’ve never done before. There is a $52.50 salary cap. When you buy a player, you get the player at that price for up to three years. After that, you can extend their contract by $1 for each year up to five years. If you do this, their contract is guaranteed, and you have to buy it out to get rid of them if you don’t want them anymore. This means you have to pay into the pot the total amount the contract is worth, even if it is the last year of the contract. So that can get expensive. We are already paying about $50 extra just to get rid of large contracts from the team we inherited. Luckily it doesn’t count against the cap.
Our team had a ton of expendable players to start with. We were willing to let most go. Then we bought out Ubaldo Jimenez, Denard Span, and Kosuke Fukodome, all of whom were on way too big of contracts. We did have some people worth keeping. Scott Sizemore would have been a decent third baseman, and he was cheap, but he is now out for the season so we had to let him go. We ended up keeping C Jarrod Saltalamacchia (only $1.40 for maybe 20 home runs at catcher), SS Asdrubal Cabrera (a steal at $1.80), OF Jeff Francoeur (for the stats, a well spent $2.40), OF Torii Hunter (expensive at $4.60, but decent slugging would cost that anyway), SP Matt Moore (WOOOO at $2.00), SP Freddy Garcia (on the Yankees he’ll win some games, and he’s looked very good this spring, and only $2.00), and RP Kyle Farnsworth (with 12 teams and 15 closers, you keep what you can get for saves, plus only $1.80). We are hoping Farnsworth isn’t on the DL long enough to lose his closing role.
Going in we kind of figured that this would be something of a rebuilding year. Other teams had some good players for very cheap, and so basically had more money to throw at better players than we did, as we had more roster spots to fill and so had to manage our money better. We had to find some deals so that next year we could do the same. It was frustrating early on, watching the good players go for ridiculous prices. Ellsbury went for $9.40 for fuck’s sake. But here’s what we ended up with. Analysis will come after.
C – Gerald Laird, Det – $0.20
C – Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Bos – $1.40
1B – Brandon Allen, Oak – $1.20
2B – Kelley Johnson, Tor – $3.00
3B – Mark Reynolds, Bal – $4.00
SS – Asdrubal Cabrera, Cle – $1.80
MI – Jeff Keppinger, TB – $0.80
CI – Sean Rodriguez, TB – $2.80
OF – Andy Dirks, Det – $0.40
OF – Jeff Francoeur, KC – $2.60
OF – Torii Hunter, LAA – $4.60
OF – Don Kelly, Det – $0.20
OF – Nick Markakis, Bal – $5.40
DH – David Ortiz, Bos – $3.80
RES – Daric Barton, Oak, 1B – $1.00
RES – Eric Chavez, NYY, 3B – $2.00
RES – Brian Dozier, Min, SS – $3.00
RES – Brandon Guyer, TB, OF – $1.00
RES – Jake Marisnick, Tor, OF – $0.40
RES – Johnny Damon, FA, OF – $2.00
P – Fautino De Los Santos, Oak – $0.80
P – Freddy Garcia, NYY – $2.00
P – Graham Godfrey, Oak – $0.20
P – Dustin McGowan, Tor – $0.20
P – Matt Moore, TB – $2.00
P – C.C. Sabathia, NYY – $7.40
P – Ervin Santana, LAA – $5.40
P – Hector Santiago, CWS – $0.20
P – Kyle Farnsworth, TB – $1.60
RES – Anthony Swarzak, Min – $0.40
RES – Mike Montgomery, KC – $1.00
For those wondering, the Reserve roster players are priced out differently. You pick these players in a draft, and in that portion you are allowed to pick minor leaguers, which normally you can’t bid on. Depending on the round you draft them in, the salaries are set at $3, $2, $1, or $0.40. You can keep these players on your reserve roster forever, basically, unless you bring them up. You don’t have to pay the salary otherwise. It allows you to stash some prospects and have some backups. That is why some of the prices on the Reserves are outrageous. Also why we were willing to take a chance on Damon, who is still a free agent. I heard he will sign at the beginning of May with someone, just not sure who.
OK, analysis. Like I said, rebuilding mode. We splurged on a few guys, notably Sabathia, Santana, and Markakis. We probably overpaid for them,but we wanted some strong pitching. Sabathia was actually cheap considering that the other top level pitchers went higher. The only one who didn’t was Felix Hernandez, but he was devalued because he won’t get many wins. Santana went higher than he should have because he was basically the last “top shelf” starter, and after him the quality would be way down. We scooped him up because we figured his win total could be inflated like Sabathia’s is being on dominant teams. Markakis was a calculated risk. As I’ve said before, this is essentially his last year to show his power potential, and we thought it would happen. If not he still contributes to all four offensive categories, getting a high average, decent RBI, and double digit HR and SB.
Kelly Johnson and David Ortiz were great steals I thought. We have a lot of power potential with this team, with eight guys possibly getting to 20 HR, and one (Reynolds) who could hit over 30. We may place a little low in steals, and while batting average is kind of a crapshoot, we have some good average guys. RBI should finish pretty decently as well, with seven players capable of going over 80.
We were going to be hurting for saves, with only Farnsworth a potential closer, and he will miss some time. We picked up De Los Santos as the potential next in line for Oakland. I had heard right before we left for the draft that Santiago had a 60% chance of being named the White Sox closer, so I wanted us to grab him up late. Everyone else was under the impression that Addison Reed was the favorite, and they bid on him hard. Then we swooped in in the last rounds of bidding and got Santiago for $0.20. Now that is cheap saves.
Otherwise, we got two players fairly cheap that I really like, at least in AL only. Andy Dirks is going to see a lot of playing time, at DH and in the outfield, since Victor Martinez is out. He will out-perform his $0.40 salary. The other is Jeff Keppinger. This guy has never gotten all that much playing time, but has had pretty decent stats when he does play. Tampa Bay likes to play everyone a lot, and at a lot of positions. Not only will Keppinger get a lot of time, but he will probably become eligible at just about every position. I can see 13 HR and a .270 average.
Overall I’m optimistic about our chances to make some money back. It won’t be easy. It will require a few breaks, some good pickups, and perhaps Damon getting on a decent team. But we have some pieces in place for next year, too. This should be a fun year.
10 Team 5X5 Mixed League 2012
The league draft was on March 24th. Here is how it turned out for me.
League: The Bottom of a PBR Box
Team Name: Jimmy Keep Rollin
C Matt Wieters
1B Michael Cuddyer (OF)
2B Howard Kendrick (OF)
3B Jose Bautista (OF)
SS Jimmy Rollins
IF Starlin Castro (SS)
IF Emilio Bonifacio (SS, 3B, OF)
OF Hunter Pence
OF Michael Bourne
OF Chris Young
OF Carlos Beltran
OF Jeff Francoeur
SP Justin Verlander
SP Madison Bumgarner
SP Ubaldo Jimenez
SP Brandon Beachy
SP Anibal Sanchez
RP Huston Street
RP Sergio Santos
RP Grant Balfour
RP Sean Marshall
P Brett Myers (SP)
P Vance Worley (SP)
Bench Gaby Sanchez (1B)
Bench Peter Bourjos (OF)
Bench Yadier Molina (C)
Bench Yunel Escobar (SS)
Bench Gavin Floyd (SP)
I am pretty happy with how it turned out. I have a bunch of potential 20/20 guys in Kendrick, Rollins, Young, Francoeur, and Bourjos, plus Castro who could go off like that any time. Basically I think I’m pretty balanced offensively, slanted more towards stolen bases, runs, and batting average. I have enough power to compete on a week to week basis. I think the steal here was Bonifacio. He is quickly becoming the new but more position versatile Scott Podsednik. I always loved Podsednik, a guy who no one valued but would always rate quite high in player raters at the end of the year due to his near .300 average, 80 runs, and 30 stolen bases. Bonifacio is just an awesome value.
Pitching wise, I got really good value for how long I waited to get them. Bumgarner fell way too far I thought. I am kind of hoping for a bounce back by Jimenez. Beachy and Sanchez are strikeout artists, which means they can put up better ERA and WHIP than they are worth with some good luck. Worley is coming into his own, but could be at risk of slumping if people figure him out. Floyd is a guy who had some really bad luck recently, and while he doesn’t give high strikeout numbers, his ERA and WHIP should rebound immensely, maybe even by a whole run.
The relievers were all cheap value picks. Street has had some bad luck, but going to San Diego has been a cure for closers for years. Same for Balfour in Oakland Colosseum. Santos is an up and comer with only a small track record, so there is risk involved, but he strikes out so many guys that you have to think he’ll have success. Marshall was an educated guess of mine to take over for the just injured Ryan Madsen, which should pay off. As for Myers, I don’t think anyone else in the draft knew or cared about who would be closing in Houston. It’s Houston, they are terrible, who cares who is closing there, they won’t win many games anyway. Well, Mark Melancon put up pretty good numbers last year closing for Houston, mainly because if they won it was by three runs or less. Myers is a converted starter, but I profited from Melancon last year, and cheap saves are cheap saves.
Every draft could go better, but overall I’m very happy with this team. I would like to trade some of my bench players for another starter or two, maybe another reliever, but right now there is nothing available. I’ve got a ton of pitching prospects tabbed for call ups later in the year, some sooner rather than later, and I’m ready to scoop them up.
The Next Step
When we last left our hero, he had decided to seek treatment.
I was able to get an appointment with my general practitioner a few days later. I’ve been going to him for years, so he knows a decent amount about me. But first I had to go through the nurse, who would take my vitals and ask my symptoms.
I was so nervous to tell her what I was here for. I still wasn’t sure what I was dealing with, and was afraid I’d be judged as being overdramatic. Still, I explained a little bit of what I’ve been experienced over the years. It came as something of a shock to me to have her react with incredible kindness and sympathy. I almost cried. Tears of happiness would have flowed down my face had I not used as much control as I had. Someone who understood. Someone who validated my feelings.
When I talked to my doctor, he was very concerned. Neither of us really knew what kind of severity of depression we were dealing with, and he isn’t a specialist. So, he put me on a lower level antidepressant, Celexa (citalopram), with the instructions to return after three weeks to see how much it helped.
The time went by fairly fast. Nothing had changed in that time, though. Celexa had done nothing for me, but I wasn’t expecting it to in that timeframe. Antidepressants can take upwards of eight weeks to kick in, so there was no surprise when I had no effect after three. Still, after hearing that it wasn’t helping, my doctor decided to switch me over to Effexor (venlafaxine). He only wanted me taking 150 mg, and once again he wanted me back there in three weeks. I also asked for a referral to see a counselor or a therapist or something. This was done for two reasons. One is that I wanted to beat this thing, and maybe get some information about what I was up against. The other was that I wanted to show my girlfriend that she didn’t have to be concerned, that I was getting help, and that I want to be the very best version of myself for her. So, I was referred to a counselor for later in the week.
Once again I really didn’t know what to expect. I’ve never been to a counselor. You see it all the time on television, where a patient lays on a couch and blames their parents while the doctor doodles on his notes. I hoped for a better place, and that is what I got. My counselor was a very knowledgeable woman who had me sit in a chair face to face. The first session was all about getting to know each other, with me telling her about myself, my background, where I’m coming from, and her telling me about her, in an attempt to build trust. That wasn’t necessary, I trusted her immediately, mainly because I felt that I didn’t have a choice. I wanted to fight my issues, and she could help me do that, so I trusted her right away.
She also wanted to know what it was that I wanted out of treatment. The best answer I could give was, “I guess I’m not sure. I don’t even know where to begin let alone what I really want or need out of this.” I mean, I didn’t even truly know what I was getting myself into. She explained that we would begin cognitive behavioral therapy, which has a proven record of success.
The second and third sessions was more what one would expect. We talked about my problems and about tools and strategies to overcome them. She wanted me to become aware of my problems and the underlying reasons for them. I thought at the time I did (or in the case of the cause, very specifically did not). I really only had these two sessions with her to learn, and she tried her best. However, once she dug deeper and realized that my problems were rather severe, she realized that she couldn’t treat me with my depression levels so high. She was frankly rather impressed that I have been able to function and accomplish things as I have over the years. So, she made a few phone calls and got me placed in the Sanford Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP). What this was, I didn’t really know. But I would soon find out.
Fantasy Baseball 2012 Preview
It is coming on fast. I’ve been waiting since the end of the playoffs for baseball to start again. And with that comes fantasy baseball.
Last year, my strategy was to focus on power/speed players and lots of pitching. My thoughts were that, in a 5×5 head to head league, I’d only have to win 6 categories each week to stay on top and win the whole thing. It was a little like walking the razor’s edge at times, barely scrapping by with victories. In the end, injuries and bad luck took me out in the playoffs. But the strategy was pretty sound. I may focus on this again, but honestly I’m going to try to draft for just plain value at each spot.
We have to keep four players each season. This poses a slight problem for me, as I don’t know who to keep. Jose Bautista and Justin Verlander are two obvious choices. After that, it is kind of a mess.
Hunter Pence – Model of consistency. Can get you above average production everywhere. I’ll probably keep him, but I don’t like keeping outfielders since the position is so deep.
Carl Crawford – Burned me so much last year. While I think he will bounce back, there are two issues. One is that outfield is so deep. However, the bigger issue to me is where he will bat in the lineup. He could be batting first, second, or third. Or he could be batting sixth, seventh, eighth, or ninth. If he’s in the top of the order his stats will be amazing. I have to wait and see.
David Price and Yovani Gallardo – Second tier pitchers who could break into the top tier. However, I could probably draft them again fairly easily, and pitchers are just as deep as outfielders.
Dustin Ackley, Danny Espinoza, Jason Kipnis – All promising second basemen. But I can draft one of them fairly late anyway, so why keep them?
I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, SLEEPERS AND VALUE PICKS.
Ryan Howard, 1B – May not start the season healthy. However, so many people are so down on him and saying that he is on a massive downswing that he is now undervalued. Even in a “down year,” he still hit 33 HR and 116 RBI. Don’t draft him early, but there will be a time in the draft where you need a utility player and he is there late.
Kendrys Morales, 1B – Can be an elite hitter when healthy. Again, a slight risk like Howard. But again, he will be undervalued and you could snag a huge reward.
Ike Davis, 1B – I touted him last year as well. And he was raking before an ankle injury ended the season. It should be even better now that the Mets are moving their outfield fences in this year. Batting close to .300 and close to 30 HR is not out of the question, he is that talented. And you can get him in the middle rounds.
Howard Kendrick, 2B – A potential 20/20 guy. He should be available at a decent point in the draft, and some people may place more value on the promising second basemen that I mentioned earlier in my keeper dilemma. But this guy is entering his prime and could go off.
Ryan Roberts, 3B – See Howard Kendrick. Slightly older though, and so could regress some. Still like him.
Jimmy Paredes, 3B – A rare speedster at third. You can probably get him in the last few rounds, and he could really pay off. Batting average, steals, and potential runs if he is atop the Houston lineup.
Yunel Escobar, SS – Usually you want some speed at shortstop. You get practically none here. But you do get high batting average, runs, and double digit homers. Awesome, and with Toronto’s improved lineup, with him atop it, he could see more runs than ever.
Jed Lowrie, SS – Should also be eligible at 3B, and depending on your league, maybe even 2B and 1B. Similar to Escobar in that you get more in other categories than speed. I know that a lot of people are down on him, and he has an injury history. But he will get all the playing time he needs in Houston, and maybe bat third. Solid sleeper material considering the promise his minor league career showed, and a ton of utility.
Nick Markakis, OF – This is his age 28 season, which is the make or break season for most players. If his power potential is ever going to show up, this is it. Worth a pickup for his other stats, though. Just plain solid, with at least a little upside.
Torii Hunter, OF – Hunter Pence light at this point. You know what you are going to get, but he will be undervalued because there is little upside here. Still, I’ll take neutral batting average, 20 HR, and 80 R and RBI. You will get him at a good spot.
Peter Bourjos, OF – I LOVE this guy. I can see some huge potential here. If he keeps improving, we could be looking at a .270 average, upwards of 20 HR and 40 SB, and 90 R with the Angels lineup behind him. Just don’t overvalue him. He could underperform my expectations.
Melky Cabrera, OF – Everyone wants to dismiss last year as a fluke. Maybe so, but he is another cheap 20/20 potential guy, and he is entering his prime at 27. If he’s figured it out, he could be just as dangerous as last season.
John Mayberry, Chris Heisley, OF – I consider these guys about the same. Both are speculation plays for late, capable of over 20 HR if they can put it all together. I like Mayberry a little more if only because he will probably get some time at 1B in place of Ryan Howard.
Scott Baker, SP – Underrated every single season. He seems to miss some time every single season, too. Still, when he is around he puts up solid numbers. I’m looking for him.
Henderson Alvarez, R.A. Dickey, SP – Neither are strikeout guys, so you can get them incredibly late. You should get nice boosts in ERA and WHIP thanks to these two. What more can you ask for in the last few rounds?
Francisco Liriano, SP – I’ll take a flier on him. He seems to alternate good and bad years, so he’s due. Plus: contract year.
Tyler Clippard, RP – Saves are easy to come by, and closers change all the time. You will have to monitor that yourself. However, if you need to fill a pitching spot and want a shot at a win and save every so often, in addition to ridiculously low ERA and WHIP, plus strikeouts, Clippard is your man. Obviously his value skyrockets if Drew Storen goes down, but he has good value even without that happening. Consider what you could get from him each week: 4-5 innings, no earned runs, a WHIP below 0.50, and 8 strikeouts. Maybe even a win or save thrown in. That’s actually better than most low end starters. There are other guys like this, such as David Robertson, Jonny Venters, Vinnie Pestano, and David Hernandez, but I believe that Clippard is the best of the bunch.
More as it develops. I’ll let you all know my team(s). Once again my dad and I are trying to get back into his old money league. Awesome.
Starting Out
I am quite nervous to put this out there. Opening up is not my strong point. I’ve had this post written for a week, and I’ve had it open in my browser for almost an hour, staring at it, wondering if I should hit Publish. All part of the work I need to do. And so I put this into the aether of cyberspace. There will be more. How much more, who can say. But it is all part of recovery.
I am finally able to admit it. I have depression.
This probably comes to the shock of no one. I mean, I’m not social, I’m pessimistic in the extreme, I have a rather low opinion of myself. Anyone who knows me knows this.
And then you may say that depression is thrown around a ton and is used as an excuse. People claim depression when they really mean that they are not happy right now. And I can’t really blame anyone for not believing it. Hell, I don’t believe most people. I didn’t want to believe or admit it to myself that I had it. I wanted to think my mindset was normal, that everyone thought this way. Or that it would go away if I worked at it enough. And maybe I even don’t have depression, and I’m simply being dramatic. I only know what I’ve experienced and what I live with.
I want to think it started in junior high. Definitely over 10 years ago. And it has been constant.
I have this irrational part of my mind. It tells me things. You have no value. You are a terrible person. You are not good enough. You don’t deserve anything good in your life. No one wants to hear your opinions, or what you have to say. No one wants you here, they wish you were gone. You should probably just die, no one would care. Or even if they did, they would just forget soon enough.
Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts. Is that not normal?
Not that I think I’m suicidal. There was one time maybe, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to do it. Instead, I resort to self-isolation, a kind of living death. That way I am not subjecting anyone to me, while still living.
Irrationality doesn’t let me win with this, however. Now I am a bad person for abandoning my friends and not being there for them. Even if no one cares about you, you care about them and should be there to show it. If you are going to isolate yourself, just end it all.
It causes me to agonize over the smallest of slights, or perceived slights, that I cause. And I can’t win against it. It tells me not to talk to people because they don’t care or want to know me, but then I’m a terrible person for not being more social. How fucked up is that?
Sometimes I will get a flash of a memory of something I’ve done to someone that I don’t think was good. When this happens, one of two things accompany it. Usually I react as if I’ve been stabbed, like I’m in a sharp pain. I cringe, double over, groan, and I can’t help it. Sometimes though, I will just break down and cry.
The worst part? That I can sometimes look at it rationally. I can see it for what it is and say it is a crock of shit that my mind is doing to me. I have a family that loves me and raised me well. I have friends who genuinely want me in their lives. I am educated, I have a job, I make enough to get by and then some. I even have a girlfriend whom I love and who loves me. I have no tragedy, no abuse, no real reason to have depression. My life is, overall, pretty kick ass.
To which irrationality says, that’s right, your life is great. You have no reason to feel the way you do. And yet you do. You feel this way when there are people who have had abuse, tragedy, and REAL problems, and THEY should be depressed. Yet you are the one who is. How terrible of a person are you, that you can’t appreciate what you have enough to feel good about your life?
AND IT FEEDS ON ITSELF.
This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. My mind races with this shit and won’t let me sleep. It has stunted my social and emotional growth. I struggle with expressing myself and forming relationships because I don’t know how, which is really fucking pathetic.
And I tried other routes. I was told that losing weight and exercise would improve my disposition, energy, and sleep. None of that happened. I felt exactly the same. I tried to act happy because studies show that if you act happy, even when you aren’t, you become happy by association or something. Not working.
I had not wanted to try medication because I’m afraid of what it would do. What would it do to my personality? Would I be a different person if I feel differently, feel good about life? Would it become a crutch that I couldn’t do without? It became that I didn’t care. It is exhausting, beating yourself up over everything for half your life.
It came to a head early January when my girlfriend strongly urged me to get some help. She was concerned about my deteriorating mental condition. So I went to the clinic.
